How to build back trust in a broken relationship

When both partners are working on recovery; either addicts attending 12-step groups or couples attending couples therapy, there is a much better chance that trust can be re-established within the relationship. Getting together with other couples who are experiencing the same emotions about trust, can be a healthy way to socially mix and learn new skills from friends who have been there and succeeded.  Stephanie Carnes, PhD in her book, Mending a Shattered Heart, tells of an idiom that applies to couples struggling to repair trust issues.  Whether you believe you can or believe you cannot, you are right.  While breaking trust may involve intimacy and relationship boundary violations, often couples begin repairing without really believing it will help.  Many victims feel they will never be able to trust or forgive their partners.  This is why support groups like R.C.A. (Recovering Couples Anonymous) are so crucial for marital harmony and repair.

The person who broke the trust also loses hope that the relationship can be repaired.  They are usually so filled with shame and guilt, they cannot believe anyone will ever view them as trustworthy again.   For trust to be rebuilt on a solid foundation, both partners must believe they can begin to trust again.

Al-Anon, the organization to help partners, children and parents of alcoholics, has a formula for trust building. Talk is easy, work is hard.  Consistent trustworthy behavior over time equals trust.  Being consistent it the key to the process.  Most people cannot do this alone.  They need support from people who have been there and have had to rebuild trust in their own lives.   This process takes a long time; months, maybe years.  The couple must be patient and believe it can be done in time.  As soon as one of the partner’s expresses distrust or fear, it erodes the relationship and makes repair more difficult.